You may not be familiar with the song "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do" by Neil Sedaka, and to be honest, it’s not one that was ever on my playlist. But it’s an old tune (1962) that you may have heard on the radio, capturing the essence of a person’s disbelief at facing their first breakup. The song conveys a sense of the ‘denial’ and ‘bargaining’ stages of grieving, reflecting the painful reality of separation. It’s hard to understand why we might endure such pain and emotional turmoil in separating, especially when the beautiful moments of the relationship are so memorable and precious (euphoric memory). Often the decision is not mutual or may involve a traumatic betrayal. The pain of loss can linger long, and that’s completely valid. 

In the lyrics, the singer expresses a sense of longing and pleads for their loved one not to take their love away, illustrating the deep ache that accompanies a breakup. This experience often reveals the lesson hard learned, that love will be intertwined with pain—a sentiment echoed in the idea that it takes great courage to love, given the potential for heartache. Something Cold Play captured in the line: “They say love is only equal to the pain.” 

To help navigate this emotional storm, I've gathered some simple yet effective points that may indeed assist to stable the ship. The journey through grief isn’t linear, as it often comes in waves—sometimes overwhelming, sometimes more manageable. Creative exercises can be beneficial, providing a medium to survive, express and contain those feelings. Engaging with creativity during this time can be a comforting way to honour and express emotions as opposed to their repression. Expressing our feelings authentically is how our system returns time and time again to homeostasis.

I hope you find these insights helpful, or that they inspire you to explore the topic further—whether through podcasts, blogs, or books. Acknowledging your pain, confronting false hopes, and allowing yourself to grieve are essential steps in healing. Understanding the stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—can provide a framework for better understanding your feelings. By applying specific techniques for each stage, you can aid your recovery, ultimately leading to acceptance, reconciliation and rejuvenation. Embracing this process is vital for moving forward with renewed strength and clarity.

 

The Five Commandments

1. Honouring the Pain  

  Acknowledge and accept your feelings of sadness, anger, or grief. Allow yourself to experience these emotions fully, understanding that they are a natural part of the healing process. Staying with the breath might be all you can do when big waves arrive. But, just keep breathing knowing that these most difficult feelings will pass.

2. Giving Up False Hope

  Recognise when it’s time to let go of the idea that the relationship can be revived. Clinging to false hope can hinder your ability to move forward and heal. Hope can be a prison that just sustains the grief.

3. Remove the Drug  

  Just as one would detox from an addiction, distance yourself from your ex-partner. This includes limiting contact and removing reminders that could trigger emotional pain, allowing you to focus on your own recovery. Unfriend on all social media and block all contact if necessary.

4. Beware of Idealising:  

  It's easy to romanticise past relationships, remembering only the good times. Challenge these idealised memories and remind yourself of the reasons the relationship ended, which can help ground your perspective. And yes, and do some grounding!

5. Be Mindful of Self-Blame, Doubt, and Criticism  

  Avoid falling into the trap of self-blame or harsh criticism. Understand that breakups are complex and often involve factors beyond your control. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that it’s okay to seek help if needed. DO NOT JUDGE YOURSELF. 

By following these guidelines, you can navigate the difficult terrain of a breakup with greater resilience and clarity.

 

Noticing The Stages of Grieving in a Relationship Breakup

1. Denial  

   - Explanation: In this initial stage, individuals may struggle to accept that the relationship has ended. There might be feelings of disbelief or numbness.

   - Techniques:  

     - Journaling: Write down your thoughts and emotions to process what has happened.

     - Talk it Out: Share your feelings with a trusted friend or therapist who can help you confront the reality of the situation.

2. Anger  

   - Explanation: This stage often involves feelings of frustration and resentment, which may be directed at the ex-partner or oneself. Remember that anger contains the very energy that will fuel recovery and transformation. 

   - Techniques:  

     - Physical Activity: Engage in exercise or sports to release pent-up energy and frustration. Boxercise? 

     - Creative Expression: Use art, music, or writing to channel your anger into something constructive.

- Take some paper and write everything you are angry about. Then burn it safely or rip it into shreds and bin it.

3. Bargaining

   - Explanation: Individuals may find themselves replaying scenarios in their minds, thinking about what they could have done differently to save the relationship.

   - Techniques:  

     - List Making: Write down the things you wish you could change, then reflect on the reasons why the relationship ended.

     - Mindfulness Meditation: Practice being present to reduce anxiety about the past and release the need to control what happened. See thoughts and feelings as objects in consciousness, not to be taken literally. 

4. Depression  

   - Explanation: This stage often brings deep feelings of sadness and loneliness, leading to withdrawal from social interactions.

   - Techniques:  

     - Self-Care: Prioritise activities that bring you comfort, such as warm baths, reading, or watching your favourite shows. Soul music might just meet you where you are. 

     - Reach Out: Connect with friends or support groups to share your feelings and experiences, reducing isolation.

5. Acceptance  

   - Explanation: This final stage involves coming to terms with the loss and finding a way to move forward with life.

   - Techniques:  

     - Set New Goals: Focus on personal growth and set new objectives that excite you, helping you look forward instead of backward.

     - Gratitude Practice: Keep a gratitude journal to shift your focus from loss to the positive aspects of life and the lessons learned from the relationship.

Navigating through these stages of grief can be challenging, but employing these techniques can help ease the process. Remember, healing takes time, and it’s essential to be gentle with yourself as you move through each stage. Oscar Wilde once said: “The heart was made to be broken.” And there is wisdom in that. Perhaps not now,  but in time and by attending to your grief compassionately, you will have a heart of greater capacity, broken open, and the wisdom enough to take good care of it.